Bullying.
It’s not something you quickly associate with dog training, but it happens all too often. I was walking my dogs recently on a cold winter’s day… and I started to reflect on the dip in mood that happens to a lot of people in the cold weather… Many of us respond to it differently, and one way that I’ve seen this unfold is…bullying.
So I’ve put together a quick walking chat video on bullying to help understand why it happens, what to do if it’s happening to you, and also what to do if you might be dishing out the harmful words.
What you may discover in this video:
- How to deal with difficult situations,
- How to protect yourself against bullying,
- And a wake up call for those of us that might be accidentally bullying someone!
IMPORTANT: If you are being bullied and it is affecting your health and happiness, please seek professional help. My heart goes out to you if you are hurting. My words are here only to create awareness and are not professional advice.
Today I am grateful for dog lovers everywhere who are open-minded, open-hearted, and who look for the best in people and in dogs.
Perhaps an apprenticeship challenge that anyone who says he she is a trainer in any regard mentor someone anyone interested in and dog related sports etc with an promise not to bully
If we are teaching dogs using all positive cant we expand that to ourselves?
Susan,
Thank you for these words of wisdom. We all need a reminder to focus on being positive and kind!
Thank you for the video. Regarding what to do about bullying – cultivate an attitude of “BOSA”. Years ago, I had the privilege of listening to a motivational speaker who had the acronym “BOSA” as her personal car license plate. I thought it was silly until I learned that it stood for – “Be of Service Always”. I adopted that philosophy and it changed my world. It changed my focus away from “me” and towards others. Over time, trying to “be of service always” built such positive energy and happiness that more and more people were drawn towards me. And when my gift of service was not appreciated, I learned to just accept and move on.
Thanks Susan. We should all spend the time we have in a positive, productive way in service to others. That is why we are here. Negativity is counterproductive to our health and happiness. Joy comes with faith, love and compassion in service. Why do some people choose misery over joy? Love your methods and your dogs!
I have felt the ramifications of bullying in agility training with a big name l agility trainer. Many times I left lessons feeling demoralized and wondering why I was making me and my buddy go through this. In one class when this instructor was particularly hurtful, I was so upset I tried to leave the class and felt the instructor was following me out to drive home the point how stupid I was. My sweet dog jumped in my arms, seeming very uncomfortable, and we have never done agility again. Neither of us wants to relive that memory.
Thank you so much Susan. Your words are so true. We can do beter things with are time.
Wow
What a great video and good reminder
I know this all and you know what I still don’t do it!
Wow, why do I keep doing things which still harm more then give to me or anyone else?
Just today I had to ring a friend to tell her all about while on top of this all I had before on a phone conversation almost ask to get the negative and unlocking feedback
How sick is that and after it to let my friend know and waiting for the confirmation how bad the other person was
I still have this feeling I have to tell it at least one person to get the feedback I am worthy
I guess I would need a Susan to come up to me when I am about to tell it to someone, screaming at me Not, You don’t do that. STOP NOW 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😁😁😁😄
DEAR Susan can you come with me as a ghost and whenever I am tempted you come out of the bushes
Like the kuckucks watch
Till I once and for all STOP this useless damaging thing
Lots of love from the counted guilty
😉😯💞
Hi Susan!
You’re the best!
In My work as a preschool teacher I See it Every day and starting at such an early age! It is so important to discuss these things. Thank you! / Karin
Your words ring true. I am a middle school teacher and bullying of all sorts is the “norm”. We try and intercept the negative words and encourage the bully to rethink their actions. Some realize, like you said, that they were not trying to be ugly.
It is a hard thing to let things go. So many want to “get back at” the bully- doesn’t that lower you to their level.
Spot On the letting go and being kind- it is so much easier and better for your health when you do. Hard yes but so worth the effort.
Thank you for sharing.
Confront them right then and there seems to stop the nonsense. We are all learning There is right way to approach people In the Field Trial HRC world lots of comments are fired around You have to stand up to them for yourself and your dog You have to I am not saying it is correct what goes on but you will be a better person to confront those people. Also don’t train with them and stay on the train wreck That only worsens the situation Move on. If you see this bullying occurring help the person out Don’t let those that do that continue their fun game. They may not recognize what they are doing Cut them off at the pass. Thanks for the great video Susan
Thanks Susan – well said! We’ve all seen it or experienced it & maybe inadvertently provided it. I like the reply comment ‘Wow, that was hurtful – you must be having a really bad day.’ And…let it go.
I am no longer involved in this sport due to bullying. Instead of treating this as an important issue i have received emails stating people in the dog world are laughing and calling me names. This has been reported as suggested. No one has ever even contacted me about this matter. My life membership was cancelled when i specifically asked to speak to someone. A very sad refelection on our sport.
Susan had great tips! Some people are unintentional bullies who may actually be trying to help, or they are just a bit too free with their opinions for more reserved folks. Having taught classes and lessons for decades, I’m sure I’ve been guilty of that many times when telling people “what they should do” to solve a problem with their dog.
But true bullies can be mean and hateful people. Try to remember that if you are truly being bullied or abused (by a spouse or other person) – it NOT about YOU. It’s about the rage inside that person that they feel free to unleash on someone who won’t fight back.
As a security officer, I’ve sometimes had good luck with this technique: A person storms up angrily, snapping and snarling and demanding help. Try responding to them by saying, “Wow! You must be having a really terrible day. How can I help?” About 90% of the time they snap right out of it, just relieved to have found someone willing to listen and try to help. One even burst into tears of gratitude. Of course, the other 10% are just nasty jerks, but at least they don’t get any worse when I don’t respond angrily. And I don’t end up in a rage myself. Can’t say I’m perfect about it, but it has definitely lowered my blood pressure.
And avoid toxic people and eliminate them from your life when you can, even if they are close relatives. Life’s too short to go tip-toeing around trying not to make a bully angry. It can’t be done.
Great advice. I respond to bullies by saying, “That was a hurtful thing to say.”. Just because some say something, it does not make it true.
Thanks Susan for this vlog. You very kind & help and I am always happy to hear what you have have to say with your experience and advice. Thank you for being you!
When an event (good/bad) happens in our lives, we share it. It is healthy to let the bad out in some way, talking with one good friend, writing it down gets it out so we can let it go. The point is to choose to let it go and turn it around to a positive, or just move on. It is wonderful to share the good, but it too can become overdone and possess us when it’s been a while since the good happened amid the bad. Communication that supports positive growth and truth is always worth keeping in mind amidst all of the “don’t tell, but…” comments. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, be polite and move past those that don’t. Thank you Susan for an unfortunate, but necessary topic.
Thank you Susan Garret. You made my day. Just the inspiration I needed for the day.
You are Awsome.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”…Maya Angelou
What a perfect frame for this conversation. So very true.
Thanks Susan,
As a teacher, I have dealt regularly with bullying at school. Many of the kids who are bullies, learn the behaviour from their parents. I have encountered bullying adults at school, at dog class just about everywhere.
In my experience, e-mail, facebook, twitter etc. have been instrumental in allowing people to make hurtful and unhelpful comments in a way that they can distance themselves from the consequences of their words. I too have called people on their comments and 9 times out of 10 they cannot stand by their comments when they are dealing with you face to face.
I have also experienced bullying in dog class by an instructor where I ended up leaving the class near tears. I now have a wonderful rapport with this instructor and have learned that her intention was not to be hurtful.
You nailed it on the head when you spoke of how we cannot control the actions of other but we can control our reaction. I love he idea of trying to find something good about the person and showing them compassion rather than fury. I love also your suggestion to turn it around and do something nice for some one else. I have in the past turned around and done something nice for the bully. (SUCH A DIFFICULT THING TO DO!) And it has always turned the relationship around.
Spread the love, not the misery!
Love that you can go to the difficult areas and make a difference to us all. Well said for all walks of life.
Love this community
Susan
Thank you
Your positive comments are well received and will put me in a more confident place as I face not only the dog world but my world as a whole.
Spot on video! Please continue to support while educating people and their pets. Yourself as well as the team behind the scenes are very insightful they continually support from a far. The work you share also allows me to share amazing insight to the owners I counsel daily. Bullying unfortunately can be found in every aspect of life. Personally I feel if I lead by example and don’t give the negativity life moving on is a huge step in the right direction but at times a very difficult step to take. Hope to see that our love for animals can also extend to the human side of the leash. Posts and reminders like these hold such value if we just stop to reflect occasionally count to three exhale and repeat than speak. Keep on learning, to fail is your First Attempt In Learning. Like Dory would say “keep on swimming”.
You can’t fix other people, but you can choose who you surround yourself with, and let bullies and gossips know you are uncomfortable with the way the conversation is going if you find yourself in the middle of it. One way I’ve found disarms someone starting to criticize another person is to think of a time or way I’m just like the person being criticized and let the speaker know. For instance, “I can’t say anything, my dog and I have had plenty of training challenges”. That usually results in the speaker admitting something as well, and relating on a healthier level.
The people I admire most are those who NEVER say a negative word about someone they know. It’s rare to find, but I know they will always find the positive in me also, and hanging with them is pure joy that I can pay forward:)
Dear Susan,
I hope you don’t mind but I shared your video with the following open statement on my facebook post. (This is discussing conformation classes but hold true no matter what sport).
BULLYING & DOG SHOWING
Let’s face it. Dog showing, no matter what the venue, can be very discouraging when people are bullies. Sometimes we don’t even know its happening to us until we reflect back on a conversation and sometimes it can be immediately heartbreaking. Here is something important for those new to the sport to remember. I once came out of the ring at a specialty where I was the only one in my class. A person who I won’t name came up to me and told me that my mint green/pastel pink, lightly patterned outfit was not a good background for my roan dog’s profile. I didn’t respond but it left a memory I will never forget. The next time I went into the ring with my dog during the specialty, I was up against a well known top-handler and I won the class, to my surprise. If I would have been more engaged with the woman who is suspect, I would have turned to her while holding my rosettes and said, “Gee I guess my outfit is not so bad after all”. Bullying happens to everyone sooner or later in the dog showing sport and how you respond can set the stage for either more bullying to come your way or a situation where you give that bully no fuel for fire. This usually brings frustration and embarrassment to that bully and they end up isolated and folded into their own negative energy. Here is a video about the subject by Susan Garrett who is a well known and successful agility competitor and trainer. Most importantly, having a positive, even-keel and kind attitude toward people can not only deflect negative vibes, it keeps your stress level down to a constructive level and attracts good luck. I’ve always said, the most important thing you can wear in the ring is a smile. When you are smiling, I beleive you create your own serotonins and it helps to relax so that the only stress you use is that to keep your edge during a performance. I also have kept the following saying tucked into my coping skills tool kit for dog show stress with:
Don’t ever accept my silence for ignorance,
My calmness for acceptance,
My kindness for weakness.
With this in mind, you can keep your own council and rest assured that unless its positive criticism, it’s not worth your energy. ‘Nuff said.
Wow, quite the blog message! i have to say that I am at the other end of the spectrum and have had nothing but encouragement from my friends and fellow competitors, and think I return those sentiments.
Two weeks ago a lady came up to me as I was working with my dog and asked if it would bother him if she practiced a jump with her dog. This was at a club I belong too and the timing was between the class I teach and another class. OFC I said it would be fine. I then commented that her dog was a nice looking boy. She proceeded to tell me that others didn’t think he was and that someone had come up to her in class and told her (her words) “you need to rethink the what breed you will get for your next dog” and indicated that her dog would not be good at agility. I hurt her badly. I felt both sad and angry for her. Someone had said this to me at my very first outdoor agility trial 20+ years ago. They told me I was going to make a great handler but I needed to get a “real” agility dog. I just turned to that person and informed them, politely, that I had a “real agility dog”. and walked away. Oddly that person and I get along quite well now. But, this lady was very hurt by that comment, and it still hurt her to think about it. I got the impression it was an instructor who said this to her.
Thank You Susan!! Loved this!! It definitely made me think about how I handle things. I’m always encouraging, on the one hand, to help others in whatever ways I can but when bad things happen to me, I tend to tell several people depending on the situation. I call it venting but I believe by what you are saying, I am only reliving the experience rather than learning from it and letting go. It’s hard to though when, for instance, my puppy gets attacked by another dog and I have to pick up the pieces. But I have reached out for help on this particular situation and would really like to give the person, who’s dog has attacked mine, some help also. The owner definitely feels bad and her dog is sweet, really, just overly stimulated and hyper. Ok, sorry this is longish….thank you again…..always like to hear your insight!
When I saw the title of your vblog, it immediately made first think about a student I had in the morning who is bullying her (obedience) dog. There is a lot of negative energy there and it makes me so sad that she doesn’t like this dog that she is trying to put a UD on. My gut reaction is to simply say to her that I cannot help her anymore and let her go her way. Do we have some time to discuss ‘bullying’ the dog?
Such an appropriate and powerful message. Your confidence and positive outlook is very inspiring to anyone who takes the time to listen. It is interesting that I tend to gravitate to the dog trials where the hosting club shares your views…. my goal is as I teach to turn every situation around to a learning opportunity for everyone …. bullying is so prevalent these days that maybe simply making folks feel better about themselves and their dogs coupled with a smile may help folks start to make a change…. thank you again….
Thanks Susan. I see so much bullying in the dog world and have been a victim myself. It’s always sad to me that dog clubs are sometimes run by people without much compassion for other people and are full of self important cliques. This blog was great and I will remain positive!!
Hi Susan, many big thank yous and huge hugs for those wonderful words. I will now take them every where I go and I will remember to practise those with Love every day.
Regards Linda
If anyone is not pleasant to my face I say ‘ & I love you to’ & smile. They never know how to react to that.
Brilliant . Thank you x
Thank you for sharing your walk and your insights, Susan. Today I am so grateful for the supportive community of dog training friends I have the good fortune to be part of in real life and in the wonderful supportive and nurturing online communities I belong to. I love that you always encourage us to live our lives intentionally and gratitudinously.
You are so sweet and wise! Loved this. 💕
I used to think when people got older, they wouldn’t behave like this. Ha! Adults still behaving like school children. People are people. And unfortunately there will always be those who are not adjusted right. But that is their problem.
Thank you! You are a gem.
Ps Where’s your Hat??
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
I love you even more than I did before!
A Most Excellent Brilliant Post!
Thanks Susan you are awesome I always tell people that they did awesome an awesome job.
thanks, you’ve done the world a favor again! You are aspirational, not just for the dog world.
I know I’m missing out by not doing FB, but I just cannot support the garbage & time waste. Thanks for all you do, Jill & the Irish Wolfhounds
Thank you Susan! Loved how you dug into the unfortunate “ugly” side of dog sports. I and my furry buddy are in IPO, there is a pile of bullying! I go into my “zone” do not listen, wish them well as they must be hurting emotionally and move on. I only focus on positive thoughts and even do Yoga exercises at the side of the field if the Judge is held up 🙂 You Rock Girl!
Thanks Susan, really needed that and thanks for the hug!!!
I think bullying happens a lot in dog sports! I like to pretend all my comments are being recorded, and would I want someone to hear what I just said? I don’t think people are even meaning to bully sometimes, they think either they’re helping or that the person will never even hear whispered criticisms. But its hurtful even to hear someone else get bullied!
Thank you, Susan! Very helpful and thought provoking! God Bless you for sharing your insight!
Hi Susan, thanks for sharing your walk with us (I’m here in sunny Sydney, Autumn, can’t wait for the colder weather to go for long walks during the day with my greyhound). The concept of seeking to “serve” others, and your thoughts re keeping a safe and positive environment, are encouraging. Being a more “sensitive soul”, I appreciate the tips you shared moving forward. Being purposeful in how I respond and share life with others, something I want to grow in. Thanks for the virtual hug, love it. Bronnie.
It must just happen in the upper level of our sport. IE World Team etc. One of the first things I noticed when starting in agility was how friendly and supportive others were to newbies and fellow competitors. 15 years later I still hear the same comment from people starting out..
Thks – very pertinent.
Thank you for this video! It was very positive!