I know I have been away at some big agility events and you may be expecting my first blog post back to be all about those events but, as always my writing is just a dumping of my thoughts and today my thoughts are about mothers.
Actually I have been thinking about mothers much longer than just today. When I left for the FCI world championships two weeks ago I knew my good friend Lynda (Orton-Hill) would be losing her mother to cancer while I was away.
I wanted to be there for Lynda, who commuted the 2 hours each way every week to be with her mother during her battle. It reminded me of the time I lost my mother to cancer almost 20 years ago.
Rita Garrett was my mother and good friend. In fall of 1992 one of my Jack Russell Terriers was killed in a freak accident. I had never been through the experience of losing a person or an animal that I had loved so dearly. My mom came to live with me to help me cope. She let me cry, she helped me laugh and she taught me how to move forward. She could only stay for four days as she had a doctor’s appointment. That was the day we found out my mom had cancer and we lost her 7 short months later.
Several years later my father married a wonderful lady named Lynda. Their time together ended nine years later when my father was killed in a car accident. Lynda filled the void by coming to work for us at Say Yes – – which confused many students that received correspondence from “Lynda Garrett.” Many wrote wondering if we had adopted Lynda Orton-Hill:).
Lynda G. also grew to be a great friend who sadly we lost to yet another car accident two years to the day of my father’s accident.
While I knew that Lynda O-H was losing her mother while I was away last week, what I didn’t know was that while I was away John would also lose his “Canadian mother.” Freda wasn’t John’s birth mother, but rather his “adopted mother” as she would introduced herself to people. She lived a great long life and died peaceful at the age of 93.
Both Jane and Freda had funerals the same day, pushing back our travels to the US National Championships, driving through the night to arrive just hours before my first walk through.
And then, less than 24 hours after getting into Louisville one of my students and good friends checked in on her mom who was having a routine surgery at home, all was going well. Moments later we were all stunned and saddened to hear there were sudden complications and her mother never came out of surgery.
Losing a loved one, regardless if it is after a long battle, or if it is a sudden shock, is not only traumatic it is completely disorienting. What is your “normal” is gone and will never be the same.
For me, my mind went through all of the important times in my life that I shared with my mother and you wondered “who would I share those things with now?”
Then I thought about future events that my mom wouldn’t get to experience. Sharing my accomplishments, my disappointments, meeting who I was going to date next or possibly marry or being there for the birth of my children . . . okay so some things she didn’t miss out on . . . Through the transition I learned as Dorothy C. Fisher eloquently put it;
“A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”
My mother had prepared me well. All of those sharing times with our mothers are just preparing times to help make us stronger as we adjust to the rest of our lives without them.
For me I remember my mom’s brother delivering her eulogy at the funeral. My uncle Alvin is a well respected Pentecostal minister but has always been a funny, cut up kind of a guy. The eulogy was entertaining and moving but for me one line stood out like a beacon to guide my life. I can hear it as clear as if it was yesterday not 18 years ago when he turned to look at myself and my 8 brothers and sisters and said;
“Who you are today is a tribute to your mother, let who you become tomorrow be her legacy.” ~Alvin Winsor
I know many of you have been through this tough transition, I would love it if you would share your thoughts to help my friends and others. What helped you? Did you change your routines? Post pictures or mementos? Plant a tree, add new activities or comitt yourself to some sort of project your mom would have loved? Please share any words of wisdom that helped your transition moving forward.
I am going to share one last thing here, my mom’s recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Nothing healthy about these babies but they are pretty darn tasty. When my mom realized she was dying she taught my dad how to make these cookies so all of their grandchildren could continue enjoying them. The morning of my father’s accident he left this message on my niece’s (Heather) answering machine with the recipe for the famous cookies which I now pass along to all of you. My mom would occasionally add walnuts, which was my favourite version and of course today I use vegan dark chocolate chips:).
Rita Garrett’s Cookies
Today I am grateful for the lives and the influence of the mothers of Lynda, John and Jodi, three amazing people who I am proud to have share such a big part of my life.
My mom is the strongest person I know. She lost an infant son, her youngest, to SIDS, and although she had a nervous breakdown because of it, she came through it and was strong for us. Then, she lost her first-born and son from a cerebral hemorrhage when he was just 21. I can not think of anything that is as horrible as burying your children and then knowing that time will continue to pass but leave them behind forever. When I look at her laughing and putting on a silly pair of goofball eyeballs to make us laugh, I am astounded at her strength. My mom must be from where superman came from because she’s made from the same tough stuff. 🙂 She will forever be my inspiration. She taught me, by her actions, that each new day is worth the wait. My sincerest sympathies go out to you all on your losses…
Cindy- I love your post, and make sure to tell her everyday….I only wish I could have told my mother more often all she means to me and mostly I wish I had said to her that she was the most amazing woman I have even known, I tell her now in my heart almost daily.
Thank you Susan for such a heart-felt and geniune post.
Kreg
Susan, thank you so much for sharing this post…my deepest sympathies to you and John and Lynda O and also your student in these losses…
Laurie
Dear Susan,
As you know (you blogged about it) I lost my childhood dog and best friend, Jeep, tragically just a year ago. This quote is the life I have been living since she passed away,
“I find when you allow your past experiences to fuel your future in a positive way, it can elevate you to places that otherwise would not have been possible.”
I am still mourning, I don’t know if one really gets over such a thing, but I use this terrible, tragic event as a springboard in everything I do. I make sure that I am positive as much as one can be and I seek to help my students understand the value in positive attitudes and positive training.
Today I find joy in seeing other peoples’ success. I am happy when their dogs are happy. If it’s the only thing my students learn I hope it’s to love the moment, use your experiences for good and your failures for learning. If you do all of these things you are a winner.
Sincerely,
Katie Trachte
http://www.hycaliberk9s.com
https://www.facebook.com/HyCaliberK9s
I just met Lynda in Louisville and what a beautiful lady! Her golden and mine are kin! I am sad that she is having to go through this sorrow right now, but glad she has people to surround her with love. I lost my mother 23 years ago and as Christmas and birthdays came and went, I realized how mothers gifts came from listening to her children and gifts were special for each child. They were not just something pretty, but something that fit my personality and heart. That is hard to replace. It challenges me to listen to others and try and bless them in the way my mother blessed me! She was a lover of ALL people and she also was a lover of dogs. I try to emulate that as well.
Hi Susan,
My thoughts and prayers go out to Lynda, John and Jodi may the love of your mothers live in your heart always.
When we where in Lousiville this weekend my mother was also having heart surgery but insisted I go and compete and not worry. It was very hard since there was complications and ended up having another surgery after. Talk about your mental game!
I wish I could have been there for her but i thank God everything was ok and she is doing well…..
I lost my Mom 5 years ago to lung cancer. I was 34 and have lived with my Mom all my life – we had never been apart for more than 3 weeks at a time. She was my best friend and the person I loved most in this world. Your description of being disorientated was so apt. I walked around as if in a dream for 5 years! I loved my Mom so much but she suffered so much – the time between her being diagnosed with lung cancer and her death was 2 short weeks most of which she slept due to medication. I gave my Mom to God saying “Your will, not mine” never *truly* understanding how final it was until she was no longer there. Just this week I realised that the longing for my Mom never diminishes and that the thing I miss most about her is being able to talk to her about absolutely anything. She was the most caring, non-judgmental person I know. She said a few things to me in her last days that I do not believe were coincidence – when I was stressing about her garden dying because I forgot to water it she said “don’t worry sometimes things are dead on top but alive underneath”. What kept me going in the days and years ahead? My dogs – they depended on me to feed them and keep them alive when I really only felt like crawling into the foetal position and dying – by giving me something to focus on other than myself God helped me to get through life one day at a time. So many of us have lost mothers to cancer but none of our experiences are the same so while we can understand to some extent what each other is experiencing we can never say – “I know how you feel” – sometimes a hug and I am sorry for your loss are worth so much to a breaking heart. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you at this time.
My mother died when I was 12 (cerebral hemorrhage). After that her sister, who didn¨t have own children, took her place in a certain way. This aunt died two years ago (heart). Sometimes when it´s not easy to fall asleep, I think very lively what it was like to be as her quest, hearing her stories and eating food, which she had cooked with love.
Sometimes, when I’m driving my car alone, I “make a phonecall” to her and tell her about my life and think how she would answer if she was still alive. I really know that she is dead but after these “phonecalls” I feel myself more comfortable and can remember things about her that I had already missed. – I think that people are not really dead as long as we can remember them.
Thank you Susan for this post. Lynda, John, and Jodi my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
My father passed quickly in May of this year due to pancreatic cancer. In a short week he was diagnosed and by the end of the week he had passed. I am truly grateful he did not suffer long, but finding things to get through each day is a struggle sometimes.
My father called everyday to check up on me and when that stopped so abruptly it was very hard to deal with. I have since surround myself with pictures of him, music that he loved, sharing stories with family and finding time to work again with mentally challenged children or adults. My father touched so many of their lives and when he passed I was amazed how many he touched…I seem to share that same passion.
Thanks again Susan for a this great post. I enjoyed reading some of the quotes that peopled shared too.
I found tremendous comfort in the Queen Mother’s eulogy poem – what wonderful words:
She is Gone
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.
David Harkins
My mom will be gone 2 years the week of Thanksgiving. She was on and off in the hospital thru the fall but still we were shocked as we thought she was on the mend. She died due to complications brought on my Crohns Disease. Heck I had never heard of it until she was diagnosed about a year before. This week I have really been missing her, I think the time of year. Funny that I found this on your blog. I hadn’t looked at it in some time. Often I feel like I’m still walking in a fog and she couldn’t bereally gone. I’m not even certain my closest friends understand how in a fog I still am. One thing that has helped me… I was given a 9 month old puppy. The breeder only gives her puppies as gifts to people she feels are just a perfect match. This Saluki pup helped me greatly. I have several other dogs but there is something special about her. I recently had her therapy dog certified and we are working at the library reading with children. My mom loved reading and the library. My goal is the play forward the wonderful gift of this dog. We are enjoying it. Each day we heal a bit more, still the pain is fresh and I miss her so. Hugs to all who have losses. I never could have imagined how hard this would be.
I’ve had a hard time deciding what to post. My mother and I didn’t get along very well when I was growing up. She was strict and I’m pretty independent. Once I left home we got along much better. In 1986 she was admitted to the hospital to have a tumor on her kidney removed, but they discovered the cancer had spread throughout the lymphatic system. They gave her 6-12 months to live, and she died in 3 months. I’ve come to understand her better, and as I’m older can look back and see things from her perspective. The loss was unbearable at the time, because I realized how much she had supported me and cared, and nobody remembers your childhood like your mother. As it turns out, I’m glad she died when she did as my sister was murdered 3 years later, and I’m glad my mother did not have to live through that. Thanks for your post, Susan.
I was struck by your strength. You have traveled through two very tough losses. And I liked what you said about how our understanding of our mothers changes with time, and how they are the repositories of our childhoods. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Susan, for the memorial post celebrating Mothers. Your timing is impeccable, and I am not just talking about your agility cues. My mother had an ability to connect with people quickly and deeply, the price of such an encounter usually produced a kind of vulnerability which left eyes wide open and skin exposed. After, it was up to you to make choices for yourself upon those reflections. She had effected many people quite profoundly, and one email from a woman whom I had never met said it all. She wrote, “We have never met but I would like share a meeting of your Mom which I had. I was in line buying discount tickets to Jersey Boys standing behind your Mom. We got chatting and I was not in a good place. Your Mom sensed my state and sat down on a bench with me. Since that encounter, I faced my fears to go back to school and am working on my Phd and am working in my field which I love. Your Mom has changed my life.”
That little note was an all encompassing story about her which so many people, including myself, have experienced knowing my Mother. The loss is huge and deep but I will continue to live my life with the same search for meaning which will be tall and vast with eyes wide open.
Your mother sounds like a magnificent woman; and knowing you, she reproduced her qualities well.
Wow, this one has me thinking (and crying)…..what to share, what may help others. I lost my mother Jan 4, 2007 after a one year battle with Cancer that we thought we had won (I lost my father July 20, 1992). Fond and not so fond memories sneak in all the time, stir my heart up and allow me to miss her immensely.
As a teenager I never realized how important she would be to me, nor did I appreciate her. When I came into my 20’s my eyes were opened, and I used to wish that I would become at least 1/2 the woman she was…….she was spectacular (and had a fantastic Dutch accent that I couldn’t help but mimic much to her dismay)! If I could be 1/2 as wonderful as her, I was a good person. She had planted seeds in all of her children (there are 5 of us in total) that would become our morals and belief systems. I always said that she was the glue that kept our family together. We would gather as a clan for her birthday and days she felt held importance (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving). I feared what would happen to the family with her death. Well, her seeds were growing and we have become a closer family than ever. We gather at least 6 x’s a year, we still celebrate her birthday with her favourite Chinese dinner. 🙂 I have noticed each of us have become more like our mother in the last 4 years. Her legacy is most certainly alive in each of us, differently.
As many of you have stated, you wished your mother had been around to share much of your successes & happiness. I too wish that my mother was able to share my greatest moment of joy: I married a man that I have always said was hand picked and heaven sent. I am certain she was tired of my choices, so she intervened. I married the kindest man on earth for me, who has a fantastic French accent! I no longer have my Dutch one, but I certainly have a French accent when I talk about him. I have been blessed to have her visit my dreams twice in the last 3 weeks.
My mother was and always will be wonderful, she still lives in my heart daily. She guided me to become a God-loving, kind, and caring woman.
There are not many words that can console a hurting heart over the loss of a loved one, but find happiness in the memories shared. I truly believe my mother is waiting patiently for the day when we will be reunited and for me there is solace in that thought.
Heart-felt condolences to yourself Susan & John, Lynda and your student.
Once again Susan, a thought provoking post. I have missed them dearly. 🙂
This is incredibly beautiful aunt Susan. Grandpa had such a beautiful voice; you can hear the love in it. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
So true Becky!
First, my sincere condolences to Lynda, John, and Jodi. I’m so sorry for their losses.
I lost my mother unexpectedly two years ago, and I found that it took me many months before the full impact of the loss actually hit me. What brings it home to me most sharply now is the moments when she is the one I would want to call to share some piece of news, the most recent of which was the birth six weeks ago of her first great-grandchild.
We lose not only their support but their connection with both our history and our future. I’m not sure you ever really get used to that.
I haven’t planted a tree yet, but it feels like a good idea. In the meantime, I like to think of her and my dad smiling down on my new
little grandson.
Thanks for this post, Susan.
As an Oncology Nurse…reading your post and all the others bring back memories of past patients whose earthly journeys ended, but whose beautiful pictures hang in my heart of memories. No, you are never prepared for the death of your momma, the one who sang to you, read to you, picked you up when you fell, tucked you into bed and never forgot to end the day with “I love you”. My own momma still physically lives, but like the couple of posts above…my momma has Alzheimers. She doesn’t know me anymore, just laughs when I talk to her..funny, Susan, today I was deeply thinking of my momma and how much I miss talking to her and wished I could sit down with her over a cup o’ tea and a fresh hot Chocolate Chip Cookie…my momma’s favorite cookie too. She left me a legacy of honor, truth, love, forgiveness and most of all Faith. That’s her legacy that I’m striving to carry on, instilled in my two sons and now passing it on to my grandchildren…I lost my momma long ago (9 years) mentally…my Pappy still lovingly feeds her, sits by her, holds her hand, sings to her….now that’s what holding to your marriage vows is all about. Unconditional love… I truly have enough memories to get through as I walk with her through “The Land of Alzheimers”.
My deepest sympathy to John and Lynda and to the student who lost her momma….
My condolences on so many losses,.. My loss experience was more like Amy’s, and when my mom passed, I felt nothing except perhaps relief that a perpetually unhappy spirit was at last set free. I therefore tend to avoid mother discussions, feeling a bit of envy about those who have had great sharing relationships with their mothers. Still, I know that I would never have become so strong or free thinking if my mom had not been the way she was, and truth is, I rather like me most days. Trainers know that the absence of a thing can shape as powerfully as the presence of it. Best not to waste this short life grieving over what you imagine is missing; you are not defined by your experiences, but only your perceptions of them.
Devora, thanks for expressing what I also felt when my mother passed away. I have never told anyone except my husband that my overwhelming emotion was one of relief, because I felt so guilty feeling that way. I know that my mother truly was doing the best she could most of the time, and I think about the good things she taught me.
Susan’s post is one that will stay with me for a long time. My sincere condolences for Lynda, John, and all that have lost loved ones.
Two years ago my mother and the mother of a close friend got diagnosed with cancer. Before my mother got the diagnose i had moved home after my breakup with my boyfriend. We had a pretty hard time but me and my brother learned so much from her – how to go through bad times and deal with fear…
Sadly for my friend her mother died and i really can’t imagine how hard this must be for her or for all the people posting here! The only tipp i have is to show your mother that you love her as much as she loves you and from what LOH had posted on her FBpage i would say she did. What i learned from that situation – you are never save (from accidents, health issues, lossing money…)so live your life and be the driver of your bus – don’t hold your dreams and wishes back for later!
Thanks for this wonderful topic!
Gosh i love this post. I lost my mom over 2 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her fondly. I live everyday hoping she would be proud of my choices and I am comforted that she is looking over me. It gave me great comfort when at the viewing I was looking at my mother – who passed away from cancer – and who was a very frail version of the mother that i knew, i turned to me and said, we will see her again. I know that my 45 year have flown by – and I realize that another 40 plus (if i’m lucky) will fly just as fast and I’ll see her again. In the meantime, I live my life honestly, with passion for what and whom I love, and happiness. Its what she would have wanted and hoped for me 🙂
oops meant my brother turned to me and said we will see her again…
I am lucky enough to still have my mother in my life but lost my father suddenly when he was 65. His death came at the end of a long few years where we lost my gram, my aunt and both of my husband’s parents as well as saying goodbye to our plans to have chilren. I had a hard time dealing with losing my father and one of the worst things was seeing how lonely my mother was.
Somewhere along the way in that next year I became a much angrier person without really knowing it. A very good friend gently pointed it out to me one day and with that I took some time to reflect and deal with the pain I had buried and to let go of the anger. I still have days (now 6 years later) when I lapse into a weeping mess while listening to a song, or on fathers day etc but I also have so many wonderful memories, family and friends and have learned to cherish all that I have. My advice to LOH is to take the time to heal. My advice to her friends is to let her heal but also be there with honesty and love if it is needed.
I spent my entire life, well from age 11 until 53, taking care of my mother. It was a wonderful experience. Now that she has passed, 3 years ago, I am learning to live my life, so I am a late beginner to agility. But the lessons of life, to have patience and care about people, I can now use in my experiences with dogs. Funny how life works.
My mother passed just 6 weeks ago. I had been caring for her for 18 months prior. Although her passing was anticipated, I’m shocked none the less to be, for the first time in 53 years, without her. It’s such a simple fact and yet I can’t wrap my mind around it. I am still too foggy to even coherently compose my thoughts about my dear mom. (By the way, she was Canadian, eh, and never let any of her American friends or my brother and me forget that precious fact!) I’m broken hearted, in shock, and numb still.
I want to thank “TawnyHill Shepherds” for her/his comment. As I’m packing up mom’s home, I keep hoping desperately that she might have left me a note somewhere, explaining for me how life after her death is supposed to be. I haven’t found anything but am inspired to write such a letter to my 20 yr old son to be open after I pass. I will include the R. Pilcher piece and tell Zach how amazing my experience as a mother had been. I hope it will help him through the void.
Thank you for a most timely post. My heart aches along with Lynda and Jodi.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you and your family Susan. Losses are always hard weather they are sudden or expected. Reach out any time and your friends will always be here. And here we all are.
As a motherless daughter for 28 years I lost my mother when I was 16. The fall is a mixed emotion part of the year for me, but I still love it. I was born in the fall, and my mother passed in the fall also. It has taken many years to come to terms with things, but for some reason people think I’m very well adjusted and many have turn to me in their time of need also. (I’m not sure why)
The last time I saw my mother I was working in a spook house and it was a joyous time-a transplant candidate had been found and it was her turn. Two weeks later she was gone. I was fortunate enough that her sister, my Aunt was able to show me over the years what a wonderful person my mother was. With her I was able to learn about my mother as I was growing into adulthood. Plus my Aunt filled in the gaps.
A few years ago I also lost my Aunt and still miss them both dearly. But in those times when I think they are no longer here, I reach deep inside myself—because they are still with me. They always live in our hearts. I have found in my life that butterflies are both my mother and my Aunt. Butterflies show up at weird times in my life—sometimes moments I’m in deep thoughts about something. I will see a butterfly or sometimes two. I turn my thoughts to what would Auntie or Mom tell me what to do and I am still, somehow the answer comes to me. It hasn’t failed me yet. Sometimes butterflies show up when I haven’t thought of them in a while–and I think of them again.
Yes I believe in Angels, and they do watch over us. Be still, look deep and you will still find your mother.
Amy – I love the butterflies part of your story, I too believe they are watching over you.
Susan – First off I am deeply sorry for the loses felt by John, Lynda your friend/student and you over this last couple of weeks…..beyond life changing and no words even seem to begin to express my condolences – hugs to all is all I can offer and I am very sorry.
Now then your post is one which caused me to tear up and remember my own mother the words which have stood out in this post (and your later comment in the blog) are the following:
What is your “normal” is gone and will never be the same.
*For me, my mind went through all of the important times in my life that I shared with my mother and you wondered “who would I share those things with now?”*
*Then I thought about future events that my mom wouldn’t get to experience. Sharing my accomplishments, my disappointments*
*but when crappy things have happened to me in my life (and they have) I think about life happening FOR me and not TO me and how can this experience serve me*
All three of the quotes fit 100% how I have felt or do feel about the very sudden loss of my own mother (a few months before I attended my SG seminar in Oh actually) and how I feel when (as you say) really crappy stuff happens. You as always are much better at putting this into words which make sense to others…I however can experience these things and not quite know how to say what I am feeling!
The loss of my mother is still felt for myself and our family and many friends, she was the most amazing woman I have known and a special mentor and friend of mine as well as a very caring and loving mother.
So to put some thoughts out there as you requested to possibly help your dear friends and companion with these times of loss I will offer some thoughts, and things that helped and still help me….but one thing to know for sure each of us works through grief in a different way, to those who are supports for others experiencing extreme loss please remember what has just happened in this person’s life and give a little when it comes to their personal reactions to daily life which seem overblown or extreme, because as I said each of use goes through our stages of grief differently and that needs to be normalized for all.
– First thing I can think of when I lost my mom was that I put together a memory basket (very large 😉 with numerous things I remember her wearing, using, gifts she had gotten/made for me, and a few personal items that had her scent on them…..yes I engaged all of my senses in my grief. – BTW I LOVE that you have a voice recording of your dad; I also recorded my mother’s voice of my parent’s answering machine before my father changed the message….
– We made a DVD with soooo many pictures of mom with family, friends at events etc. It was therapeutic to dig through these pictures and to put them in a timeline order, and set them to music on the DVD….I still pull this DVD out when I am alone and just need to cry and remember. (there is another piece of advice, please allow yourself to take time to grieve, while we do need to distract ourselves when we grieve as well….allowing yourself to be present with your emotions when you are able is a very powerful thing to do as well….I still (a couple years later) need to pull this DVD out or a piece of my mom’s clothing out and just remember and cry.
– Lean on others it is so important to share memories with others, to lean on others to help you get the day to day tasks done as well….without the great family and partner I have I am not sure I wouldn’t have gone bankrupt and lost my mind the first year after losing mom….yes I said year, I think I was in shock during that year and through my spiritual beliefs and knowing my mother energy was guiding me I made it out of this funk, but looking back I feel like I trying was on autopilot for about a year of my life….this too I hear from others who have lost parents and partners is too be expected, so be sure you have someone to help you out.
– One last thing I did is made a journal where I asked my family and moms friends to write down memories they had of mom, any memory goofy, serious, sad and happy…..I know have a book I can go back to and read how everyone remembered these moments. This is something I also pull out time to time.
– Also get back to doing normal and new things….I went back to a trial soon after the loss of mom, while I was not sure when I left for the trial that it was a good idea….it was a great thing for me to do, also begin something new, change things to improve your life…that class you always wanted to take that book you keep meaning to get, etc….something new and that helps to enrich your life is a great way to help get through this loss. (I went to a SG camp which I had wanted to do for years 😉
And most importantly know that the person you have lost is still there in another form, no matter your beliefs, the science of things is that energy does not go away it simply changes form….many days and nights I felt moms presence and reassurance.
I hope each of you who have experienced loss can find comfort in the memories of your loved ones and allow yourself the time and space in your life it takes to grieve, and seek out support if you need too; this is also a way to take care of yourself.
Hugs to all and what an important topic Susan, thank you for sharing your experience.
This post could have come at a better time right now my mother has survived breast cancer a couple months ago and now is battling blood cloats in her leg and neck she just had surgery for the cloat on her leg a week and half ago and her kidneys shut down she lives just outside of Red Deer I live in Winnipeg so it makes it harder I feel like I am doing nothing ,my brothers live there and I was perpared to go there this week to be with her but she started to recover so my brothers asked me to wait another week and come out and be with her when she is at home .Last word is she alert and has a picture of my dogs near her bed she is starting to joke around so everyone who is near thier mothers go hug them because when they are sick and you are far away it is very hard . Thank you Susan for this blog and LOH sending hugs to you
“that should have could not have come”
I wish for you and your family a swift recovering for your mother….hugs!
I lost my Dad to cancer 6 years ago. He was my cheerleader when I ran and swam as a kid, he was guy who placed no limitations on me because of my gender…he even taught me to shoot once just because I wanted to do a triathlon! He was a Dad I wished many little kids would have, coz he was fun, he’d teach you how to climb trees but he’d be there to catch you if you fell. That sort of guy.
After he died, I guess what kept me going especially in the early days was that I could feel his presence around me and when I look in my heart and look at who I am there are huge parts of me that are the way they are because of the influence from him, for everything he taught me. So although it is painful to loose anyone and loosing a parent does as Susan said feel a bit disorientating, they never really go, because so much of who they were and what they gave lives on in the people they loved.
I am strong willed and determined because of my Dad , because of what he taught me, I am many other things, but those two characteristics I really needed, just to live at one point, so I am glad he showed and taught me those ones for sure!
For LOH, let the pain be there, as raw as it is right now, let the love be there and every other emotion you feel let it all be there. Been thinking of you so much, but everyone on recallers and everyone who loves you is always there. You give everyone so so much and half the time you do not even realise it. You are an amazing lady. Take Care of you x
Well said Shelly, I agree with your sentiments.
Great post Susan. My thoughts and prayers are with Lynda, Jodi and John. Hugs to you all…
I lost my mother a mere week ago to cancer. It had been a long battle, but her death took us all by surprise.
THank you for writing this. I haven;t yet figured out what life without my beautiful Mum is, but I will. I will definitely work to make my future her legacy.
Thank you.
Sorry to hear of your loss, hugs.
Hi,
I’ve never posted here before as I only read Susans blog and store it for future training info but thought that i might have something to say which might help. I haven’t lost my mother but this year I’ve lost an aunt to cancer and i have a cousin with cancer, uncles just being diagnosed and a friend only two years older with a life threatening disease (only 25 herself) – this year has been emotionally battering to say the lease.
Despite this I have realised how blessed i am to still have my mother and come to realise that we never truly loose those we love; they stay with us. My cousins and i have my aunts nose and we all have nannys curly hair, I have my mums temper and smile. I will never loose any of the people which nature seems to be taking from me – because they are me; they have shaped me and loved me, I can’t bear to see any of them in pain but no matter what happens I’ll never loose them.
Take care to tell those you love that you do love them, life is far to short not to.
Kate
I am very fortunate, I recently had my parents move in with me from Brooklyn,NY to Denver Metro Colorado. The first month was a lot of adjustments, but now they are settled in and enjoying life here. It took all the stress away of not knowing how they were doing of hearing my father’s concern voice over the phone and trying to work in dogs, agility and long distance caring of parents.
Both my parents are 82 yrs old. They been married for 61 yrs. They still love each other, as my mom says EVERY DAY. It is fun to see their caring for each other, their concerns about one another and knowing I am helping to take some of their worries away by just being with them. I know life comes to an end, but I cannot image life with out mom and dad.
After my Mom died from breast cancer (nearly 20 year ago), I remember feeling like a boat that had been cut loose from it’s moorings – totally adrift and alone. For many months I was wracked with grief and guilt (our relationship wasn’t always the best). Then, one night, I had a dream where my Mom and I were sitting on a hilltop next to a campfire. We sat with our backs together, enjoying the night air, looking at the stars and feeling the warmth of the fire. It felt safe,and peaceful. Eventually she told me she was going inside, but I could stay longer. I woke up then, with the knowing that everything was okay – she was at peace and I could let go of my grief and guilt.
My Mom was an outdoorsy person, and I always think of her when walking in the woods in our favorite old hiking places.
My heart goes out to you Susan, John, Lynda and your student in this difficult time. We never get over the loss of a loved one (human or non) – we get through it one day at a time.
Thank you Susan. After a very difficult year of divorce and further heartache, while figuring out my footing, I learned two weeks ago that my father has cancer. This is so helpful.
Introduced myself to you last Fri AM as your “birthday sister” . . . same date, 1961! I lost my Mother last Nov. 12 after traveling the “dementia of the alzheimers type” journey for 9 years. Car was packed & I was 5 minutes from loading the dog and heading out of town to an agility trial when I got the call. I was able to hold her hand for that last hour and tell her that “I know you love me . . . you’ve shown it all these years!” Lost my Father at 14, she never remarried and wore ALL the hats. But as an adult, I recognized that she was my Best Friend, the one who (no matter what choices I made) supported me! On Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), my husband had to leave early to pick up his trip (he’s a commercial pilot). I decided to treat myself to breakfast. The lady waiting on me was “older” and struggled to make it to my table, but held her smile steadfast. When she brought the check, it just ran through my mind “I wish I had a Hersheys Kiss to leave with her tip.” Then I thought, “I love Hershey Kisses.” That was all it was, one of those fleeting brief thoughts. Paid the bill and headed into town to an appointment. As I walked down the blustery cold street to dart into the building, a City Ambassador came out of the door with a torn brown paper bag in his arm. He reached in it, pulled out something to hand to me and said, “Happy Valentines, Mam!” I quickly took it, darted into the building and, as I was walking to the elevator, opened my hand to find a small celephane package with 3 Hershey Kisses in it! For the last 20 years, when she’d call me, I’d answer the phone, “Is this the best Momma in the whole wide world?” And she’d say, “Yes, it is!” It became a way, thru her illness, that I could tell if she was “with me”. Just a few months before she passed, I asked the question again . . . it had been over a year since she had responded. This time, though, she struggled but answered, “Yes, it is! And you good daughter!” Bout ripped my heart out when it happened, but is now a moment I cherish, just as I now know she’s always with me! I took some time off from competition, and when I started back and was on the line for the first run of the day, I thought to myself, “Check THIS out, Momma!” Me and my goofy little boxer girl rocked that trial 4Qs out of 5 runs . . . and in my heart I know . . .
I lost a wonderfully sweet Mother-in-Law unexpectedly earlier this year a few short weeks after her 90th birthday and lovely family get-together for her. We miss her, but treasure the memories of that visit. I’m losing my own Mom (soon to be 90) to Alzheimer’s disease, which is very sad. But I’m lucky to have had both of them in my life for so long. I’m so sorry for the losses in the lives of you, Lynda, John and your student. You’re so right about all the things you miss not having a Mom to share them with.
It’s been a very rough morning…lot’s of memories, lot’s of saddness…I do know that I’ll do my best to make some Cookies, thinking of all, and know that Margaret will have a great friend to acompany her with Freda’s arrival…
Take care
Heather
Lovely Susan! Thinking of John, Jodi and Lynda.
A mother or father are somebody who deserves to be a mother or father.
My mom is still with us physically, but we’ve lost her mentally to alzheimers. A few weeks ago I got sick, (that really feel crappy all over and want your mom sick), so I called her. After a relatively short phone call in which she asked me if many questions repeatedly (forgetting she had just asked and been answered), I realized she’s no longer there for me, now it’s my turn to be there for her. I can no longer call my mom for comfort, but I can be there to help her when she’s confused or frightened. I have a great group of loving friends who are as close as family and we comfort and depend on each other. Loss can come in many ways and it’s always hard, but for every hardship in our lives, we become stronger and have the resources to help others through their trials and tribulations. I can’t say I’m happy to have gone through the hurt, but I am happy to have been able to help others through theirs.
My advice for those who still have their mothers: no matter how good or bad your relationship, she is the only mother you will ever have. Try to see her with some perspective, as if from a distance. Think of the things you will most when she’s gone and do those things together. You will never regret it.
My mom was a teacher. Always, when we were traveling, she would turn my attention to fields of beautiful wildflowers that we were passing and would describe each species.
Whenever I see such a landscape now, I say a prayer to her and hope that she is viewing it through my eyes.
Thank you for this pause in my day to remember her.
I’m still working through it as I lost my Mom quickly to pancreatic cancer last year.I’m a bit of a loner but never ever felt lonely until I lost my Mom who was my best friend and the most energetic upbeat person with a smile always always. When I lost her I did all the things I needed to do putting up things for her sisters as I cleaned out her apt.,wrote notes to all that loved her, Moved her kitty into our home of 4 German Shepherds and a Belgian Malinois. I scattered her ashes and followed the letter she had wrote for me years and years before what she wanted when she died. this is the quote I found amongst her things. “Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you have always used. Put no diffence into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absoloute and unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, an interval, somewhere, very near, just around the corner. All is Well.”
“September” by R. Pilcher.
Because what I miss most is stopping to pick up my Mom to go walk the dogs or calling her to tell her the good things the sad things the missed things I still talk to her out loud. As I travel home from an agility trial I will tell her all about the runs in detail the way I used to when I called her when I got home and though I miss the replies she gives them to me in other ways. Signs of her I see when I least expect them and when I most need them. :))I miss my Mom and forever will but I am thankful she left without having to suffer for a long time and that I was able to do all the things she needed done before she left this earth. I love you Mom.
Beautiful! And what a wonderful writing to leave for you to find….thank you for sharing, it warmed my heart.
Beautiful. thank you for sharing.
A fitting blog for this time Susan. This is the time for family and friends for both of your families…
Judith
How appropriate is this post, my mom is coming to visit today from Puerto Rico, her reason for coming….just because! She just posted on my Facebook that she misses my lil’ terrier that passed this May. It’s the first time she is coming to my house that Pepper won’t be here….guess my dog loving genes are well set!
I lost my mother 6 yrs ago next month, but reading this blog brings so much back. The first year for me was a complete fog, I remember going to get the Christmas turkey 3 times and coming home without it.
My mother taught us all to enjoy the moment now, don’t live in the past or future! It has helped me a great deal, and isn’t that what life should be?
I have named my new pup “In the Moment” in her memory.
To all who are grieving,best thoughts, you will miss them forever, but let their lives guide you, they are forever there.
What a lovely memory the cookie recipe is. Thank you for sharing such a poignant, meaningful treasure.
I really like these very short “momoirs” submitted to the “New York Times”:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/05/17/six-word-momoirs-the-contest-winners/
They capture many different takes on this sometimes complex, but very fundamental, relationship between mother and child. Peace to everybody who is dealing with this very profound kind of loss.
Sincere Sympathy for all the loss you, John, Lynda and your student have suffered this month. Healing thoughts and prayers to all.
I am blessed to still have my mother and your words today remind me to tell her I love her, I don’t do that often enough.
Thank you!
Sherry Moore
While my own mother passed away this time of year several years ago the wonderful impression she made on me, the strength and guidance she bestowed and the heart-warming memories I have of our time together make it seem as if she is not gone at all.
Our mothers may not be here in the flesh but they are still with us in a much more powerful way.
This will be my first xmas without my mom and yes it will be very sad and painful since all the thoughts and memories are coming to my mind and fill my soul with loneliness… She died this summer from a head stroke. She was my mom, dad, sister and best friend. She thought me and made me the way I am. She was a very independent,hard working and courageous woman. I think the most important lesson my mom thought me was to always be humble, treat everyone with respect and always be myself no matter what. I think I would have liked to be able to hear her voice one more time, since after her head stroke when I saw her in the hospital she was not able to talk. I would never forget that even though she couldn’t talk or open her eyes when I entered that room and touch her she got goose bumps… She knew I was there. Five days later her heart stopped and she went to a better place. Being an only child and since my parents were divorce since I can remember my mom has been always there for me. She was my super hero as a child, and my best friend for ever! Knowing that one day I will see her again is what keeps me going. I know all her teaching and love will be with me 4 ever.
My experience of losing my mother is pretty different. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad moved far away. My brother and I lived with our mother. When I was 16 she met a new man and got pregnant. One day I got a call from him saying she went into labor and they’d call back with news. The next call was my mother, saying she has a new family now and would never see me again. She took my brother, and abandoned me in every sense. I wasn’t able to move in with my father and the last few years of high school were, well, interesting.
I say this with no malice or hatred or anything of the sort, but I would have an easier time dealing with this if she WAS dead. Not living 20 minutes away with her “new family”. I have the same thoughts – who will be with me to pick a wedding dress? Who will be at my college graduation? Who will meet my boyfriend? Who can I call when I’ve had a great trial day with my dog?
Ugh. It sucks however it happens.
@Amy, you are right that sucks.
I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but when crappy things have happened to me in my life (and they have) I think about life happening FOR me and not TO me and how can this experience serve me.
Perhaps you mother was not stable when she made her choice, perhaps she thought she was doing what was best for you or perhaps she was just acting selfishly . . . but that is her journey.
I find when you allow your past experiences to fuel your future in a positive way, it can elevate you to places that otherwise would not have been possible.
I hope you have found, like I did, that the people to share your experiences with do appear for you and usually when you need them most.
Your past will have given you a great gift of independence which will serve you well in your future.
Best wishes for much success.
A mother-in-law can be like a mother. Be sure to chose a man to marry who has a warm and loving family. My niece’s parents both died before she got married. She married a man whose mother treated and loved her as though she was her own.
Amy, your is the first comment I read after Susan’s post, and with memories coming back of my own mother who loved me so much but whom I didn’t appreciate as much when she was alive as I do know, I find I’m crying so hard that I need to go and compose myself before I read any more comments. Loss of a mother is the worst thing, no matter how it happens.